My phobia 2
Well, I think I have to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments about my post regarding Iranian/Middle Eastern phobia.
I would like to clarify that I totally agree with those of you who mentioned that it is a cultural issue which involves both men and women of my society. I understand that the problem can not be blamed on either of the parties alone since the whole issue is about the interaction between these two and thus both must be responsible for its goods and bads. However, I didn't mean to blame anyone or say that all men actually *are* like the way I described. I mentioned that I have these assumptions about them in advance. I know they can't be true about all of them. But my fear from their behavior and way of thinking is based on what I have experienced/observed through out my adult life and if one is wise he or she will put one's past experience into account for the future incidents.
Some of you mentioned that most of Iranian women are problematic too. I agree. But I am not any Iranian woman and what I said was about me. I don't want to be forced to act conservatively when I don't believe in it. I don't say that I am as liberal as I like to be but I have worked hard to be what I am and see no reason to put it away so that some random Iranian guy thinks that I am a *respectable* and *good* girl and have good reputation!(I am still not over that comment about Arab men and bad reputation)...Now, talking about others' thoughts we come to the third subject that you told me...Being myself:
To be honest I am raised in a culture that "what would people say?" is a big part of the culture. It motivates or prevents *a lot* of people's do's and dont's...So I am sure that despite all my efforts I still have plenty of these thoughts in me. Being yourself is much easier said than actually done...First you have to know what you want(which I believe is not easy) and then you have to stand for it. For me, I thought that I am over this-be yourself in the relationship-dilemma. But after I read your comments, I thought about it again and concluded that I am not. I found a lot of little examples that I have put people's thoughts prior to my values. They were not essentials so one might think that it's not important but I think in a way they are important because these are the details of everyday life. I will do my best to change it but I am sure it will take time and effort...
The last point, I know I am biased. I know it. I think my defensive position towards Iranian men is a valid one as their attitude generally moves along with my assumptions but as one of you said, it's not like men from other regions are not like that. I personally came to the conclusion while ago, that the only way to be unbiased is to see more men..You know, go out, hang out, date...So I have a bigger sample...Better data and then I can see the man not his nationality.
posted by Anar @ 12:31 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Pantea joon!!!!
This was a very insightful entry as well....good to see how you thought about the comments on your earlier entry!!!!
I like such introspective posts :)
- Yashoda
I think that the "what would people say?" aspect of Iranian culture is probably a good thing much of the time. If everyone is concerned about what others think of them, then it seems to me that there must be a high degree of civility within Iranian society. I wish that there was more civility in America. Many people are quite rude here and have little respect for others. I think that there are many ways that you can express yourself and still be polite to other people. For me, two of the best components of civility are honesty and trustworthiness. These are qualities that you already have. Being yourself in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to be selfish. You can still put the needs of your partner in the relationship as equal to yours. Also, a good relationship doesn't always mean that you both agree about everything. What is really good, is when a couple can disagree and, either have respect for each others differences, or be able to reach a mutually agreeable compromise.
I think that it is a good idea to try and meet some more men. But, I think that you might meet more interesting men if you make a plan, rather than looking at random (a random sample is great for statistics, but not necessarily best for human interpersonal relations :) ). Think about things that you enjoy doing. Maybe there are some groups of people that you could check out that are devoted to specific interests. Maybe there is a cat owners club, for example. :) This is just an idea. Think about it and see if it makes sense for you.
Dear Pantea,
I missed the previous discussion,
but took some time to read your thoughts and part of others´ comments.
For me, you are a beautiful and very interesting woman. Your soul claims for equality, sensibility and respect. I am sure you are not alone, these are the expectations of many other women from different cultures around the world. However, usually we should be the first to grant us respect and care. So, be yourself and forget about finding ´the guy´. There are not only one guy who could be by your side. There might be plenty of them! Iranians or not. Good luck in your journey and believe on your own light! Diversity in usually a good start. You can always come to visit me...and have some fun below the Equador...!
Miss you.
Conceicao
David,
By "others" I meant the ones outside the relationship...like friends, family etc. The notion of "what would people say" is not a good thing at all...It creates a lot of pressure for the simple fact that You can never make everyone happy...so if you build your happiness on everyone else's then you are never happy. Moreover, in such culture people tend to comment *a lot* about everything that is simply none of their business at all. Privacy is mostly meaningless. I am sure that people gossip everywhere but at least they should keep it to themselves.instead in society like that, people think that you are supposed to care about what they think so they come to you and comment with out your request. We simply don't understand that if one is not asked to comment on the subject it is mostly because we don't want one's opinion.
Pantea,
I apparently misunderstood what you were saying in the post. Sorry about that. I agree, gossip can be very hurtful and damaging to the people who are talked about! I also agree that trying to please everyone else makes it very difficult to find your own happiness. Hmmm... Well, the way that I think about true friends is that they are people who will support and encourage you in whatever you decide is best for you. Someone who gossips behind your back is definitely not a true friend! Regarding family, though, there is little that one can do. You are stuck with them for life, for better or worse. I guess that with family members, the best that you can hope for is that they will love you and accept your decisions.
I love your conclusion: see more men. You are totally right. My mom once told me you must have lots and lots of friends. I liked that advice because you should broaden your horizons and hanging out with friends is the best way to do it.
well, what you said makes sense to me all the way!
As for the kanoon weblognevisan, this is where you can put a request to become a member:
http://penlog.blogspot.com/
This one is a link to their so called constitution:
http://home.c2i.net/penlog/doc/asasname.doc
I mean from what I have seen, they are really putting an effort into it and I can realize why some big names in blogging don't want to associate with them....you know how Iranian groups work;)
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